Malvae25

   So it's been a while, and a favorite from a friendly stranger reminded me that sometimes, people DO look at my account here... I realized that when I left this site, I left it in a bad way, and that anyone reading my last journal would probably assume I'd gone out to attempt suicide a second time. This is not the case.

   For 7 or 8 months after that attempt on my own life, I battled. Every day I woke up fighting my every instinct to lie back down and die. I pushed through without ever hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel... I just pushed to push. If there's one thing that I am it's stubborn, and I decided that if I really MUST live, well, damn it, I'm going to and just you try to stop me. Every day I fought the voices in my head telling me how likely I was to fail... I mockingly referred to the voice as "C-3PO", as it often felt like it was telling me my chances of navigating this asteroid field of depression were zero to none. Surprisingly, that helped a little. Even a small victory was worth celebration, and eventually I racked up enough small victories to finally overcome the depression(and thereby, the drug problems as well).

   That's not to say my job was through, though. Over those hellish months, I'd alienated a lot of my closest friends, done things that, when looked back upon, were beyond heinous. At the time, when it felt like everyone was against me, I'd justified many of the mistakes I had, and simply piled them on top of the many regrets I had in life. Unless I dealt with those as well, the depression would never truly leave. This is how I know, at my core, despite all the things I'd allowed myself to do, I was still a good person: I knew I needed to apologize and try to make things right. I clung to that like a drowning man clinging to a lifesaver. As soon as my mind had cleared of the depression and drugs, I had many apologies to make, even if there might never be forgiveness. And so I made them, honestly, sincerely, and in person if it was ever at all possible. Many of those friends I know I shall never see again, yet I am at peace with that. I even made peace with the one who, when I was contemplating suicide, told me to go ahead and do it because I deserved to die. That, I think, was the hardest, but it needed to be done badly.

   I have learned so much about myself. I lost everything that I was, but I found out who I could be. And the truth? I really love that person. She's beautiful, smart, and tries to do what's right no matter what. And I love me for that. And so I push on. And just you try to stop me.

So it's a little over two months since I died. I still say that, you know. I died. Everyone tells me I lived, but I find that very hard to believe. The body may still be alive, the spirit died that night, and never recovered. I begged the nurses to let me die. I cried, and shook in the hospital bed, longing for death. They were so worried about me they put someone in the room to make sure I didn't try to unplug myself from the machines I was hooked up to. The spirit is gone.
  And so, now I walk through life without it, if life it can be called. I pay bills, do what I can to live. I go to raves, watch the familiar faces pass by, some smiling, some angry, some sad... So many emotions. I sit and watch, wanting to cry, to feel like that again. I wish I could just be alive. I would do anything, just to be able to feel again...

True story.
Tried to OD a week or so ago...
Now I feel like literally half of a person, physically, on top of mentally...
Heart damage, liver damage, kidney damage, nerve damage, brian damage...
You name it, I got it.
I can barely function, and I basically crippled my right wrist somehow, so playing guitar will always hurt a lot now...

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for "hurting you" (Almost every day)
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door. (A day or so ago)
[x] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.  (only once)
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, and then people gave you weird looks. (Almost daily)
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.  (Two days ago)
[x] You have been called a blond. (Only ones)

so far: 5

[ ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody.
[ ] You just sang them to make sure.
[x] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen. (Every other day)
[x] You have choked on your own spit. (Time to time lol)

so far: 7

[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You type with three fingers or less.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire.  
[x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose. (Few months ago lol)
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.  (Used to happen a lot, then I just realized I needed to keep my mouth shut. It actually fixes a lot of the rest of my problems, too)

so far: 10

[x] You have fallen asleep in class. (A lot in high school, not once yet in college)
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking. (Daily)
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you are talking about. (Roughly twice a week)
[x] People often shake their heads and walk away from you. (Every weekend. I laugh at them while they do lol)
[x] You are often told to use your 'inside voice' (Just last night)

so far: 15

[x] You use your fingers to do simple math. (Every time I do math)
[x] You have eaten a bug accidentally. (Only ever once. It only ever takes once)
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. (I should be writing a research paper)
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it. (A month or so ago)
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time. (Ever tell a friend you can't find your phone, then realize tht you're actually telling them that over your phone?)

so far: 20

[] You have posted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things. (not always on accident)
[x] You tilt your head when you're confused. (Slightly to the right)
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before. (Last week)
[x] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. (Nightly)

so far: 24

[x] The word "um" is used frequently.
[x] You don't know what "um" means.
[x] You say "what" and "huh" a lot.
[x] You plan to use a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin.

Total: 29

Now you multiply it by 3 for your score.
And write as your journal title "I am __% Insane"  

I'm 87% crazy nd proud of it. The other ones I didn't get just seemed stupid lol As if the ones I'd actually done were any better. xD

I've decided to do something... As heretofor I've generally done nothing, other than favorite some photos and comment on some stories. I've decided to take up writing again, because the ideas are blowing out of my brain and into everyday life with surprising realism and vigor. I can't seem to do anything about it, so I imagine I'll set about putting them to paper, to keep the demons at bay and the get the angels to stay.

   I simply can't explain to you what happened to me last night, because nothing, per se, happened. It existed only in my mind, much like love, peace, and god. For a short while, I lived the life of another person, someone who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting. It was unique, it was pleasant, and it was altogether too short. For that short while, I shed the mortal coils and became one with all that really matters, complete and total nirvana! I acheived it, alone and unawares, with no prerequisites or even any intention. Some diode, somewhere in my brain flipped a switch, and it may have changed the way I look at myself from here on. I can only hope that the memory stays strong, as I know that no matter how hard or long I try, I will never be able to recreate the pure and simple joy that was present that night.

   Have you ever had an experience or self-discovery that changed the way you looked at yourself? Tell me about it, I'd love to hear!